placebo

Motivated positive illusions are defined as a form of self-deception that basically helps you maintain some level of self esteem and keeps mental discomfort at bay, temporarily. This negates the well known concept of strength through adversity and implies that it is nothing more than a placebo. This means that what doesn’t kill you makes you think you’re stronger, and the obstacle could be the way, but there could also be a way easier and obstacle-free way that would have potentially gotten you to the same point unscathed and ideally without over a decade of deep seated trust issues and a dormant drug addiction. Shattered fucking dreams, basically.

My last blog was a bit grim and awkward, but I appreciate everyone who read it and has since made eye contact with me. Having only recently dealt with these suppressed memories and viewing them with my gold-tinted #mindset #adversity glasses, (that match my couch cushions) I’ve been determined to pinpoint some level of personal growth directly related to these events and others like it. I could just pay to talk to someone about it but why do that when for $40 a month I can share my inner most thoughts with the internet and spend too much time wondering who knows what about me and if I even care. I’ve been hell bent on trying to prove to myself that these ‘negative’ experiences have taught me something phenomenal, and that I had to go through them in order to learn these lessons and come out the other side a way fucking better version of myself, but what I’ve started wondering recently is…did they really ? And, even worse … am I even better than I was at all and have I actually learnt anything?

Whilst I’ve been previously convinced that everything happens for a reason and that things don’t happen to you, but for you, who’s to say if I’d be the exact same person that I am today had I not encountered various levels of bullshit, or in fact be better off because I wouldn’t still be sooking over some petty crap from when I was a teenager. If I’m being completely honest, which I obviously always am, the only reason I don’t take drugs anymore is that I go out of my way to ensure that I’m never in the company of anyone who takes them, because I know deep down it wouldn’t take much arm twisting for me to be like OH GO ON THEN. This doesn’t make me any better than 2004 me, I just have a lot less of a social life now and spend all of my money on food and active wear. Plus, I think drug taking time is normally past my bedtime so I just avoid it by default by going to bed at 8:30pm. In terms of relationships, until recently I feel I’ve repeated the exact same patterns of door-mat-ness and naivety, just minus the whole animal torturing factor (at least that’s a plus for Graham) so really, I’m wondering if I’m the same fucking idiot throwing myself under the same buses/ people voluntarily, having clearly learnt approximately zero lessons from past adversity…but at least my cat is safe.

The well recognized phenomenon of becoming a better, stronger version of yourself after a negative experience is known as post traumatic growth. We’ve all heard of this concept a million times right; it’s basically a given that struggle + overcome = better. I’ve never thought to question that this may not actually be the case, and that it’s extremely possible I’ve not learnt anything or grown at all, and that I’m simply comparing my mid-trauma self to my post-trauma self, and OBVIOUSLY you’re going to be better if you’re not trapped in some toxic head fuck of a relationship or balls deep in some level of adversity. What I’m saying, is that who’s to know whether you’d have ended up on the same path to potential greatness anyway, should the trauma have not have occurred at all. You may even be better off, rather than dragging around a solid set of issues that continue to fuck your brain in the ass well into your thirties.

While studies (yes, I do research things, but fuck putting references in, just take what I say as gospel, thanks) have shown that people have thought they’ve grown from the fucked up shit that’s happened to them, it’s quite possible that in reality they’re exactly the same as they were before the event, but the mind uses this positive reinforcement as a defense mechanism, because if you don’t perceive that you’ve grown from adversity then shit things are literally just shit things and the idea of there being no silver lining at all is just too fucking dismal for people to accept. This is kind of why people believe in a higher power I guess, (I feel there’s no point saying ‘no offence’, so I won’t) because the thought of life swinging it's dick at us willy- nilly and us gaining nothing from copping it in the face just doesn’t bear thinking about. The whole purpose of this positive illusion is to protect ourselves from the possibility that we may have been irrevocably damaged by these events, rather than be stronger because of them. It’s a lot easier to cope with the fallout of adversity when we have a firm belief that it will make us better. In a way I actually miss having religion as that crutch (yes, I did God once) because it was a hell of a lot easier to give less shits about shit things when I thought they happened for a divine reason.

Well that’s all very bleak and terrible, but before we reach for the razor blades, does it even matter whether our growth is perceived or real? Whether it’s #science or not, believing that you’re more resilient will surely mean that when you’re under the next bus / person you’ll pick yourself back up again faster, right ? You may continue to make the same mistakes but ideally you’ll recognise you’re back in your familiar pit of idiocy faster, surely? Whether you are actually better or you merely perceive yourself to be better, the result is the same, whether the misfortune that befalls you is entirely your own creation or not (classic me). It’s well known that placebos can exert enough influence over the mind that they can literally heal the body, so why the fuck shouldn’t we be able to gain some level of positive outcome from the shit that happens to us just because we tell ourselves that we can ? It’s either that or accept we are destined to make the same mistakes forever and die the same idiot we’ve been for our entire lives. Guess there’s a reason they say ignorance is bliss, right ?