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What happens when things are going well ?
The thought occurred to me this morning, as I woke up without the common breathless pre-exhaustion of another day about to begin. Something seemed different and for a second I thought it was Sunday, which is generally the one day I wake up without feeling the pressing burden of a million things to accomplish and the uncertainty of whether I’m good or competent enough to actually achieve any of it. It was Wednesday though. I was the usual tired and sore, but a tired and sore that’s OK because you know you did good, you gave whatever you did the day before an almighty fucking crack, and slept a deep sleep of ease and contentment that was only slightly enhanced by the Valerian root concoction you religiously drink before bed each night (so 8:00pm). It took me a second to realise why shit felt different…NOTHING WAS WRONG.
I feel that just by typing those words I’m almost asking for some gigantic impending universe ass-fuck. When I was a chef (ugh) we had this superstition in the kitchen to never say things were ‘quiet’. Just the uttering of this tiny word seemed to unleash a relentless hell of walk-in groups of 10 and accompanied GF, DF, V orders. My Dad was a paramedic (he’s not dead, he just does a different job now) and has told me the same rules apply in hospitals. NEVER say that things are good or fine, because literally in approximately 10 seconds they will be the exact opposite of fine. Dad is a firm believer in Murphy’s Law and has always taught me to prepare for the worst possible outcome, which has served me well across a series of Tinder misadventures. Anyway, the trouble with this is, if we’re constantly on the edge of our seats waiting for some horrific adversity to occur, (like customers or car accidents) how can we truly take the time to appreciate, or even realise for that matter, when shit ISN’T hitting the fan ?
I’m not boasting, by the way. (If I were to boast about something it would be that I’ve literally almost doubled my tricep strength in 4 weeks.) Of course there’s still shit in my life that isn’t ideal. The medication I take for anxiety honestly seems to be weaker than my triceps were back in October, I’m not 11/10 happy with how I look and the fact that I definitely have boobs now (unnecessary), and let’s not even start with weightlifting related issues because how long have you got (triceps good though). Also my bathroom sink has been falling off the wall for approximately 3 years and last week I discovered 4 old banana skins in my car because I am gross. There’s people around who don’t like me, and make this fairly obvious, and the underside of my feet look like the surface of the moon due to some random condition I’ve never investigated because, again, I am gross, and I’d rather waste time writing about it than actually sort it out.
If I had to put my finger on it though, the feeling that nothing is wrong is more so that I’m in a place now where enough things are going well that the things that aren’t are a lot easier to deal with and really there are worse things than having boobs even if they are gross and pointless. I feel I can genuinely say that someone else’s opinion of me is actually none of my business, and if you don’t like me, that’s fine, just maybe go do that away from me, coz I’ve got things to do. The stuff I put out there is 110% me, and if that’s not for you, then that’s cool, coz there’s a lot of shit that isn’t for me, like cleaning my car, and emailing my property manager to tell her my cat has jumped into my sink with such frequency and force that it is now hanging off the wall.
I think that what has helped the most (besides potentially ineffective but also maybe slightly effective medication) is actually really forcing myself to see the positives that have come from the negatives and the personal growth I feel I’ve achieved from then. My own various adversities have lead to an honest passion for sharing the shit that I’m feeling and to ultimately creating a platform to broadcast these from, in the hope that it encourages others to do the same, so we’re not all walking around with exploding brains and secretly daydreaming about our own funerals. The last year was a proper ass-fuck (from the universe, so we’re clear), and while the present could well be an eye-of-the-storm situation, and (if you ask Dad) there’s a horde of fans and shit to hit them just waiting around the corner, I’m just gonna take this rare 10 seconds to bask in this fleeting feeling that NOTHING IS WRONG.
