become

Don’t fear failure, fear being in exactly the same place a year ago as you’re in today. This has basically been my mantra since I saw it on some Instagram post a few years ago (our main source of inspiration these days, let’s be honest). I couldn’t pinpoint exactly where or what I wanted to be at the time, but was certain that in order to feel successful I had to make some semblance of linear progression. For a few years I mistakenly valued progress in the sport I was formerly in above all other sorts of improvement, and neglected the spiritual and emotional growth that I’ve since realised is the key to attaining any actual worthwhile achievement. I mean, who actually cares if you used to be able to do 20 handstand pushups and now you can do 30, if you’re still an asshole. I’m not saying for a second that athletic progression is redundant, but that by focussing solely on the end rather than the means we are doing ourselves a major disservice. Tangible results will come (I hope), when you focus your goals towards becoming a better fucking person along the road that leads to them.

The trouble though with forcing this level of personal growth on yourself is that you get to the point when feeling comfortable is a bad thing. Yes, we know what doesn’t challenge us won’t change us (again, thank you Instagram), but it’s very easy to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the constant challenges in our path and convince ourselves that we are being fulfilled by our steady boring job or lukewarm relationship, when we are really only tapping into 20% of our potential. It’s easy to justify this, but is it really good enough to stay with someone just because they really like you, or stay in a job just because it’s secure? Security and being liked are great, and let’s be honest, changing jobs and leaving friendships or relationships sucks and you feel lost and broken for a while. But the magic part is that when the pieces of you find each other and come back together, you are one resilient motherfucker and likely in a much better place for it.

I once had a goal to be married before I was 30. There’s no logical reason that this was a goal and I can’t even explain now how it got into my head in the first place. My intention wasn’t to build a strong foundation with my partner, to grow together as a couple and to be committed to a relationship with someone who shared my values…my goal was literally to ‘get married’. Just as this crashed and burned and I now face the process of an awkward international divorce (what happens in Vegas unfortunately doesn't always stay there) so has every goal I’ve had that has focussed on the achievement rather than the process. It’s not that I haven’t reached the goals themselves, its more that the accomplishment has been hollow and unsatisfying, because my overwhelming focus on the outcome meant that I enjoyed literally zero of the process that preceded it.

There’s this quote from Muhammad Ali, and it’s that one about how he hated every minute of training but endured the suffering so he could live the rest of his life as a champion. Fuck that. I mean, lucky he did end up a champion or what an absolute waste of his life spent doing something he hated without any enjoyment at all or learning anything along the way. I can’t understand that mindset and whilst I’m not denying that suffering does have a certain merit, surely it would be more mentally productive to gain something from the experience of reaching your goal rather than just complaining about what absolute dick the process was of getting there. Whilst there are days of training and life that I struggle and cry and just can’t, those are the days that I end up valuing the most because each time I break I know I’ll be stronger for it.

So as you head to Officeworks or Typo to get your diary/ goals journal/ both (recommended) for 2020, maybe think about about not focussing on the wedding but the marriage, or, to slide back to the familiar safety of my weightlifting analogies…not the total you want, but the small steps you want to take along the way, who you want to be on that journey with you, and how good it will be to look back down the road you travelled knowing that, whether you achieved your goals or not, you’re slightly less of an asshole.