Coping
Hello again and congratulations on making it to what should have been the half way point of Lockdown 2.0.
As you'll no doubt be aware, it's becoming increasingly evident that Melbourne is fucking this shit right up, and it's unlikely that we will be frolicking among the squat racks and lat pull-downs on August 20th. Now I'm not here to open that can of worms, as blaming and finger pointing is fairly unproductive...I'm more of a damage control type. For those of you already out on a ledge somewhere, step back for a second and read my weekly update of coping strategies, that, whilst they might not specifically work for you, may give you a laugh. Please know that there is someone more pathetic out there that you who is dealing with this...which goes to show that you can too.
These are my top secret, fool-proof strategies that have made me want to cut myself just a little bit less this week. Enjoy!
1.Have a Sad Shower. You may already do this and know it by another name (please share), but this is basically what I call an unnecessarily long shower, spent sitting down (can adopt the foetal position but you tend to get water in your eyes). If you have a bath, that's great obviously, but there's just something cathartic about sitting down in a location intended for standing. The kitchen floor is good for this too. Try combining with #5.
2. Eat a Fresh Cookie Before 9am. This may or may not be your breakfast. Ideally you want this cookie to be freshly baked, however you can obviously simulate this effect with a microwave. Lumberjack on Bridge Rd's cookies are like crack, but if you buy the last one on a Wednesday I will fucking cough on you.
3. Pat a Willing Animal. I really do emphasise willing. Whilst I do enjoy the occasional struggle snuggle with my cat, Graham, nothing beats reciprocal intimacy with your own (or someone else's) pet. Best part is they won't give a fuck if you're not wearing your mask.
4. Purchase Dinosaur Feet Slippers. Seriously, the best $13 I’ve ever spent. Guaranteed to make you smile every time you look at your feet, and make you the envy of your apartment block as you stride (carefully) to the recycling bin. Available at Kmart Vic Gardens. I take no responsibility for anyone slipping over (what level of grip can you expect for such a nominal fee.)
5. Ugly Cry. You know the cute cry you do when someone’s watching? This is not that. Try and avoid doing this in front of anyone you plan on having sex with in the future. It feels great though (the crying). Your mum is a fairly safe bet if you do need an audience. Feel free to combine 3. and 5. for an ultimate experience.
Notice that whilst they are specific to my suburb, Richmond, you can easily find cookies and slippers in your own. Don't come to ours, we need all the fucking cookies we can get. Seriously, times are hard and weird and we need each other, we need a laugh, and as many coping strategies as we can. Even knowing that someone else put their pants on backwards two times in a row (me this morning) and considered not putting them on at all helps, right? Like I said, there’s always someone more pathetic than you out there.
