ready

I'm getting better at talking about a comp the week of a comp. Besides obviously the Monday of that week when I habitually break down and cry to my coach, select friends, my boyfriend and accidentally also in front of my entire team and brand new boss. So when I say better I'm talking the babiest of baby steps. Like a foetus kicking in the womb kinda thing. I feel I'm so used to seeing such minor progress that I can somehow still detect it when to the uneducated eye there would probably be zero. Just call me a glass fucking half full kinda person. What I'm saying is besides crying to most of the people I would usually encounter on any given Monday I've done well. The worst question that sets me off is being asked if I'm ready, and do I feel ready? The short answer to this is no, never. The long answer is obviously the theme of this blog. Post-competition my brain is all cracked open and the raw, gooey feelings are just waiting to be dissected and analysed, so let's fucking go.

I can't remember a major step I've taken in life that I have felt ready for. I'm talking about actual life changing steps, like changing countries or careers, or starting a relationship. Eight years ago when I left NZ I spent the night prior to leaving sobbing on the floor of my parent’s house, terrified I was making the wrong decision and absolutely devastated to leave the safe bubble filled with friends and certainties I'd lived complacently in for two and a half decades. Three years on I lost my mind over changing careers, from one I hated to one I felt completely incompetent in. Deciding to get some balls and leave a relationship I was unhappy in took another solid year. My point is that this elusive state of readiness is not something I'm familiar with. Here’s what I’m wondering though…is readiness even a thing?

Isn’t there something about not ever feeling ready but doing it anyway that brings about the growth and change that we need to fucking get better? If you feel ready then isn’t it possible your decision is safe and certain and maybe not such a big deal? Leaping ahead into unfamiliar territory, a new country, a relationship, a competition, these things are scary and hard and challenge us in ways that mean our boats are fucking rocked whether we are ready or not. Isn’t that kind of the point of them? The only big moves I've ever made in life I have felt approximately 0% ready for. My relationship, my sport, my career…all things that now contribute in such a massive way to who I am and what I stand for, these are all things I did not feel ready for. Each of the three caused major floor-crying levels of fear and anxiety, and genuinely still sometimes do. That doesn't mean for a second that they are not right though. So I’m thinking that perhaps it's the very action of pushing through this perpetual state of unreadiness and persevering regardless that make these things so rewarding.

Does being ready actually mean less reward though? Or am I just trying to justify my ridiculous levels of anxiety towards things that maybe other people just do without thinking about. Is being ready something we realise in hindsight, or is it a state of being that I haven’t yet reached? Does not being ready but doing something anyway change the outcome of that decision? Will the same result come by stepping off the ledge and crossing the shit outta your fingers as it would from calmly and rationally taking the stairs down? I actually have no fucking idea, because I’ve never made a decision any other way.

Regardless of whether that string of questions have answers or not, I believe that whether the steps you make are right or wrong is entirely dependant on the effort and attitude with which you approach them. It’s completely on you. Acting despite fear is what really helps us to own those fucking decisions and lead to a successful outcome, ready or not. Basically I don't know if I’ll ever be ready, for anything. But I know for certain that I'll continue to move forward regardless.