dick
OK so the last one was a bit heavy so let’s get back to Tinder and dick pics because sometimes you just need a dick pic in your life (you really don’t though). Now I should first be clear that I’m not on Tinder or any dating apps at present, because fairly recent emotional trauma and also because if I have another guy say they ‘probably couldn’t’ lift as much as me… (as if this is meant to somehow be a compliment, because obviously I should assume they could but it’s nice of them to acknowledge that just maybe, because I train very hard to be good at this one thing, and they’ve literally never done it before, that I just MIGHT be better than them at it, despite being a woman)… I will write a really long rage sentence and enclose it with brackets so it doesn’t seem as long.
Anyway.
Here’s my issue, or one of them. It’s not dick pics, (although I personally never want to see someone’s dick in photo form), it’s not dating apps as a thing, (although I am saddened that as a single person I am literally expected to get on this merry-go-round of doom) rather it’s the level of acceptable behaviour that this fairly recent technology is cultivating, in particular equally new social “trends” such as bread-crumbing, ghosting, and in general just treating other people like shit to make ourselves feel better for the time it takes to swipe right. Let’s tackle the first issue, which you may not be aware of by name, but my friends and I know it as bread-crumbing, so let’s obviously keep calling it that.
So if you’ve somehow been able to magically avoid this bullshit, or you’ve happily managed to navigate your way through a literal minefield of crap and are in a secure relationship (well done, and can I borrow your map please since you’re done with it) let me explain it. What it is, is leaving little ‘crumbs’ of attention, Hansel and Gretel style, in order to make someone think you are interested in them. It’s come to be a #standard and accepted thing on dating apps, obviously people don’t message back because that is the level of social interaction we are reduced to these days (none), and somehow just getting a match and ignoring the subsequent message is enough of an ego boost for people which is excellent. This bullshit has now come to include technically ‘non-dating’ apps like Instagram and Facebook, so you literally cannot post videos of your cat in peace without some fuckstick love -heart – emoji -ing your every move, or forcing their way into your DMs.
To be clear though. I am not opposed to attention and it is very flattering to have someone you don’t know (or do know) message you and say they think you’re OK at lifting, or writing, or life, or just that they like looking at you. It’s a nice thing to give someone a compliment, and I genuinely appreciate it as long as it’s not paired with an unsolicited dick pic or you’re my friend’s Dad and it’s awkward or you have a girlfriend, who features predominantly in your social media (and I assume actual) life and even if she didn’t would probably not be stoked with you sending a photo of your dick to someone besides her (possibly even to her.) The good thing about these platforms is that it is a lot easier to associate with those who share your passions and interests, and it can be a really good way to make genuine connections with people. In my mind though, shared passions and interests do not involve a) a photo of your dick, b) telling me I need some dick, or c) just generally being a creepy and harrasing jerkface. Can I just follow other weightlifters and my friends and post videos of my cat please.
What I really can’t deal with is the casually dropping yourself into someone’s DMs / life, with no intention other than to get a pathetic self esteem boost that yeah, you are OK, because someone you don’t know, or barely know, is messaging you back out of politeness OR because they foolishly mistake your self gratifying bullshit for genuine interest. Remember those 0900 numbers they used to have back before The Internet ? (Yes, I am old.) This is literally like the 2018 version. But way sadder, and one sided, like you got a phone call from a telemarketer and just got your dick out and started pressing it up against your end of the phone while they’re just trying to tell you that you would actually be saving money if you upgraded your plan. Also I am aware I have referred to dick literally a million times. I am under no illusion that this gross behaviour doesn’t apply to both genders, I have just never recieved a random DM from a girl with a photo of her genitals. Or tell me they’d like to get to know me / hang out and then literally disappear from the universe, leaving my last message awkwardly on “seen” until the end of time. (Why this?)
Here’s the worst part too. All this shit: bread-crumbing, ghosting, unsolicited dick pics and other forms of new and progressively terrifying rudeness just goes unchecked. Nobody acts horrified anymore when a friend tells of how they were ghosted (it’s so common now to be ignored in this specific and permanent way that we now have a word for it) or that the guy or girl who they had planned a date with just didn’t show up. That’s just an accepted risk of wanting to interact with other humans. We make excuses for this behaviour and even worse we blame ourselves. It’s weird to even have to say this, but it’s not ok to stand someone up, to completely disengage from conversation without a ‘thanks, bye’, or to leave someone’s question hanging endlessly while they in turn question their own self worth. Uncomfortable conversations are just that, uncomfortable, but they’re necessary and a part of life. Yes, we do need to be more resilient and I do find myself giving less fucks with every one of these soul crushing experiences, which is the postive I choose to take from them, but how about we try not to act like assholes to other people ? Somewhere along the way things like honesty and cuteness and genuine compliments that don’t come attached to an ulterior motive became as obsolete as the 0900 number ladies. (Seriously, is this still a thing? What do they do now?)
I think it’s really sad that being genuine and honest has actually become old fashioned. That literally someone’s apparent pursuit of you is instantly mistrusted because that is actually our current standard of behaviour. Nobody says there’s plenty of fish in the sea anymore, have you noticed that? It’s because there isn’t. People are actually fucked and I am so grateful that I have a handful of not-fucked ones in my life who genuinely care about me as much as I care about them, because it’s becoming increasingly apparent that giving a shit about someone other than yourself is actually no longer a thing.
So here are my new rules for dating and also like pretty standard rules for life basically.
Don’t be a dick.
That’s literally it. Do you mean that you’d like to see someone again? No? Then you literally are not obligated to say that to them. Do you actually respect your partner? Yes? Then probably don’t send a photo of your genitals to another person. Are you actually interested in dating / friending the person who you’re letting believe that? No? Then there is actually no reason to make them think that you are. You’ve heard the expression ‘if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it’. I’m going to amend that to: if you don’t have anything GENUINE to say, don’t say it. Everyone is just trying to do their best to navigate this dating minefield, which is made all the more challenging by someone showing up at their door / in their DMs and literally throwing one in their face.
I know this whole rant will make me come across as bitter, twisted and terrifying. I’m really not though. I’m hopeful, and I’m resilient, but I’m also tired. Tired of having to be hopeful and resilient. Tired of hearing my friend’s regular stories of being ghosted and stood up and receiving unwanted harassment and just being treated like they don’t exist. It’s absolute bullshit and it makes me not want to put myself through the rejectionfest that is our current dating standard. I am optimistic and I do firmly believe that there are people out there who are honest and genuine and not afraid of uncomfortable conversations. I have to, because the alternative just doesn’t bear imagining. I can’t change the current dating climate but I can change my attitude and make a stand, not accept this level of behaviour, and encourage others not to either. I can also treat people in a way that I would want to be treated, with honesty, respect and avoid sending them unwanted photos of my vagina.
